I Thought I Was Broken — Then I Remembered Who I Am

For over thirty years, I didn’t believe in anything beyond what I could measure.
Raised in the rational world—a successful software engineer, skeptic, and former agnostic—I believed in facts, not feelings. Logic was safe. Control was safe. The unknown? Dangerous. Delusional. Naive.

Then I spent two weeks in the jungles of Costa Rica.

What followed wasn’t enlightenment.
It was annihilation.
The person I thought I was began to dissolve.

It didn’t feel spiritual. It felt terrifying.
A flood of memories, grief, fear, and shadow came rushing in.
What I thought was going to be healing turned into what many call a Dark Night of the Soul.

And it didn’t stop there.

Years later, I sat with another sacred medicine—
and the darkness came again, even stronger.

This time, it wasn’t just collapse.
It was confrontation.
With every belief, every identity, every mask I had built.

I became two people:
The self with a past, a body, a job…
And the self beyond all that—whispering:

“Let go.”

Since then, I’ve been walking a path I didn’t choose—
but that somehow feels like it was always meant for me.

I meditate.
I journal.
I fall apart.
I wake up.
I fall again.
I sleep more than I used to.
I withdraw. I doubt. I forget.

But something deeper keeps pulling me back.
Something that feels like home.

This journey is exhausting.
It’s not clean.
It’s not linear.
It’s not all light.

But what I’ve come to understand is this:

Awakening is not about escaping darkness.
It’s about making peace with it.
Not to be perfect—
but to be whole.

Recently, I had a moment that reminded me why I’m on this path.

I was drinking—again.
A coping mechanism I’ve used for years.

And I met someone else who was struggling.
He told me he hated that he kept drinking.
That he was a failure.
That his ego was winning.

And something inside me spoke.
It wasn’t rehearsed. It wasn’t polished.
But it was truth.

I told him:

“It doesn’t matter. You’re not broken.
Your darkness is not your enemy—it’s your friend.
It’s here to teach you.
Shine your light inward.
The pain? That’s part of the path.
It is sacred, because it cracks you open.
You’re here to grow, and you’re already doing it.”

That night, I realized something profound:

I am not here to be perfect.
I am here to become whole.

The darkness is me.
The light is me.
My soul isn’t here to erase the shadows—
It’s here to integrate them.

And the whole point?

Love.
Oneness.
Remembrance.
The human experience itself.

For years, I built a successful life.
But I’ve lost my motivation for it.
Not because I don’t care—
but because I care differently now.

I crave meaning.
Alignment.
Truth.

I want to build something new
that bridges my skills with my soul.

That’s why I’m here—writing this.

Not because I have answers.
But because I’ve found a truth worth sharing:

You are not broken.
Even in your darkest hour, you are becoming.
You are not lost.
You are waking up.
You are not alone.
We are all walking each other home.

So this is my beginning.

I don’t know exactly where this leads.
But I’m not hiding anymore.

If you’ve been where I am—
or where I’ve been—
I see you.

And if you’re still in it,
still unraveling…

Keep going.

There’s something beautiful waiting for you,
on the other side of surrender.

Thank you for reading.
This is the beginning of me remembering who I really am—
and offering that truth to the world.

—

Solanon
I walk both shores, and I remember the way back.